


Hiraeth

by anonniemoose



Series: SPN OneShots [17]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Gabriel Lives, Season 13 spoilers, Smut, mentions of torture, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 08:41:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonniemoose/pseuds/anonniemoose
Summary: Trapped in hell for nearly a thousand years gives a guy some time to think, to remember. And when he gets out, he wastes no time returning back to the one person that feels like home.





	Hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to forfill all of gabriels-monthly-challenge’s challenges this month, and with placement I doubt I’m going to make it but I’ll give it a go. I have to finish part 2 of Summer Lovin in ten days, think I can do it?
> 
> Also, song lyrics in this one too. Tell me which one?
> 
> Requests are open or via my Tumblr (crowleys-poppet-queen-of-assgard)

**Hiraeth**

 

_ Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. _

The sound was getting to him. Father knows how long he’s been sitting here, in the dark, alone, with that constant fucking dripping from above.

To be honest, he didn’t know what was worse. Fried Chicken Fuck being here meant he knew what he was going to get. Pain. Maybe not in what form, but the outcome was always the same. But when he was alone, he didn’t know what to expect. 

He had to admit, the snake was a nice touch, a bit ‘extra’ as some would call it. A bit of flare, no doubt requested by Loki to make a point.

It would be funny to see Loki now, he’d mostly likely expect to see a writhing, screaming archangel, pleading for mercy. He lost his screams long ago, and his pleading was silenced shortly after his arrival. Even his usual snark was silenced by the needle and thread long ago, the only thing coming from his mouth now was the occasional panicked whimper and a groan as acidic venom splashed across his face.

It burnt, and it ached, but it was nothing like what was happening inside his mind, the constant torment and pain that ate away at him every day.

[[MORE]]

You see, when Fuckface was here, there was a distraction. The fucker never knew when to shut up, always glotting to him about the fact that he ‘outsmarted’ (more like bought) an archangel. But, when he was alone, he didn’t have such a luxury, if you could call it that.

Regret. So much regret.

His mind slowly started to turn on him, reminding him of the things that he had done, things he had caused, things he had missed. He now, more than ever, regrets skipping out of Heaven.

Memories of him raising little Castiel plagued him most frequently whenever he thought about Upstairs. He was the very definition of, what humans would call, a leash child. Always exploring, questioning, finding. Very nearly killed off the human race with a misplaced step near the creature that soon was to become the beginning of humanity.

Gabriel had practically raised him, pretty much since the word go. He was his responsibility, like he was Luci’s and Luci was Michael’s. The idea was to make sure they’d look out for one another, but the archangels all knew it was because their Father was a bit too lazy and distracted with his other projects to really stick around.

So, he took care of Castiel. Taught him how to fly, how to talk, how to hoan into prayers, how to use his Grace to the best of his abilities. Gabriel supposes, now, that he felt more like a father than a brother to Castiel.

Which is why the way Cas looked at him when he was trying to show the Winchester’s their role in all of this haunts him, hundreds of years after the fact.

He wasn’t sure what caused the look. The fact that he was ‘hurting’ (which he used in a very loose term) his friends, or the fact that he upped and left without a word, not even to the one person who he cared about the most.

It was for the greater good, he had told himself at the time, getting Cassidy involved was just asking for trouble. He’d get tortured to find out Gabriel’s whereabouts, he’d be expected to answer to their elder brothers so they could seek out the missing archangel.

No. This way would be better for all of them.

Now, millenia after he made the, quite frankly, shit decision to not tell Castiel, he regretted it, possibly more than anything.

Looking back, he has so many regrets, not helping the boys more with Lucifer, not to trap him but to pacify him, to try and heal the rift between the angels and his older brother. That he ran, leaving a DVD in his place, rather than stick around to join the brothers with stopping the apocalypse and everything that followed. Not being brave enough to stand up to his Father when He threw Lucifer out, or to his brothers every time they stomped their way through Heaven, treading down on their other siblings. For being weak, and unable to protect. For focusing on hiding rather than fighting back. For trusting that damned trickster in the first place.

It took awhile but, finally, Gabriel was able to determine that the constant gnawing at his stomach, the feeling of pure emptiness and loneliness wasn’t because he was being forced to swallow acid, but he was something he never realised he could be before.

He was homesick.

Gabriel had never missed home before, not when he skipped Heaven. Sure, he missed his brothers and sisters but he never missed Heaven itself, too clinical for his tastes. But, he had been away for so long, even just away from Earth where he was close enough that the pull to go home was ignorable, and he was able to push down on it. But here, in Hell? The yearn each angel feels to return home after too long was snowballing until it was the very thing that tortured him the most, not the Fucker eating his Grace or the torture he and his followers bestow upon him. But the need to be home. Hiraeth, the Welsh called it. An undeniable desire to return home.

If only he could turn back the clock, he’d fix every little mistake he took. He would never have ran, he would never have trusted Loki and his children, he would never had fled to Earth-

**No.**

No, he wouldn’t make all those changes. Because then he wouldn’t have met you.

Father, he missed you. The most important human in all creation, at least in his eyes. He avoided thinking of you, the feeling of complete loneliness and fear always consuming every cell in his body. And as Asmodeus grows stronger, Gabriel couldn’t be sure if he could start delving into his mind. So, as much as it pained him, he pushed you to the furthest part of his brain. After all, Hell didn’t know you existed. And the fact that they might find out, hunt you down, kill - or worse, torture - you terrified the shit out of him. So, he tried to forget, but it’s hard to forget the very thing that makes him feel like he’s at home.

The moment he thought of you, the floodgates opened, and every memory he had of you rushed painfully to the surface. The first time he saw you after leaving his temporary job as a barman in Vegas, all the way back in 2003. Your youngest friend had just turned 21 and you all decided to go to Vegas to celebrate. Turned out to be the best trip in both yours and Gabriel’s lives.

The two of you hit it off right away, and flirting quickly turned into a promised date which ended with Gabriel ‘coincidentally’ moving to your town to find work. That promised date turned into three which turned into a relationship which turned into something serious and by the beginning of 2009, when the signs of the apocalypse first started appearing, Gabriel already had created Plans A-Z on how to protect you. Then 2010 rolled around, and we all know how that turned everything to shit.

Still, he remembered the little things more than anything else whenever he forgot to keep up the walls. The smile you send him when he says a not-quite funny joke that still managed to make you giggle slightly, the way that the moment he sat down you  _ had _ to be touching him in some way, shape or form. The way that you’d always start as far away from him in bed as possible because ‘I like you being here to protect me, but you are too fucking hot for me to sleep next to’ but always ended up in his arms within thirty minutes of falling asleep. The way that whenever you sense he’d had a bad day, you’d go off and hire a series of shitty 80’s movies and buy way too many snacks and make a fort for the two of you to lay in (by hand because that’s half the fun, Gabe!) and spend the evening laughing at crap acting and you groaning at the amount of sweets you had eaten. Always making sure you had time to help him plot and plan his next prank. The fact you had merely rolled your eyes and said ‘duh’ when he told you the truth and continued on as if it was nothing. Date nights always ending with some form of public nudity (mostly at Gabe’s insistence, but you weren’t an innocent in these matters either). Marshmallow gun wars. Walking in the door to find you there dancing in the kitchen, in his shirt and boxers. You always insisting to tell him that you loved him, even when you were pissed off at him.

Little things that made him feel loved, and that made him miss home even more, miss you even more which, each time, he thought was impossible.

If there was one thing he regretted more than leaving Heaven behind when they needed him was leaving you when you needed him. If he had one chance to do one thing over, he wouldn’t of rushed to Loki. He wouldn’t have gone to Loki period, but he would have made sure that he  _ somehow _ contacted you, just so you knew he was alive.

Not that he wasn’t tempted. It was possibly the hardest thing he ever had to do, leave you without letting you know he was safe. But he was scared. If demons found out who you were and why you are so important to Gabriel, he knew exactly what they’d do. If  _ Lucifer _ found out who you were….there was no telling what would happen to you, but he knew it wouldn’t be pretty.

So, he ran, too scared that Lucifer might have caught on and would follow him to you. He intended, once things had calmed, to return and explain later. But, of course, Loki got in the way.

Suddenly, he feels his gut tighten in a new sense of panic. Loki. What is he found out? He was hellbent on destroying the archangel, Father knows what he’d do to you to get back at him. Killing you was possibly the worst thing he could do. No. Making you chose him over Gabriel would be the worst thing Gabriel could imagine to experience, the only thing coming in second to further Gabriel’s panic is the fear that you had moved on, found someone else, settled down and did all the things the two of you drunkenly planned all those years ago. Simpler times.

_ No. _ Gabriel tried to pacify himself. _ I need to get to her, to see her. Even if it’s just the once. If she’s moved on then I’ll leave her be, but I need to see her once. I need to feel like I’m home again. _

As it turned out, Ketch was pretty badass, getting a panicking and nervous Gabriel from Hell to the Bunker with relatively no trouble, ganking anything and everything that stood in their way.

Gabriel isn’t going to lie. Even if he wasn’t in such a weakened state, Ketch would terrify the shit out of him if he was assigned to hunt him. So, even he used him as a bargaining chip, he was rightfully terrified. Of course he wasn’t going to save him, he was just a means to an end, something Ketch could use to make sure he wasn’t shot on sight.

So, he waited. For the needles, the knives, the pain as they extract his Grace.

But, it never comes.

Instead, they try to  _ force feed _ his Grace back into him, anxiety quickly bubbling over the top as Gabe panics. No, he could track him and if that happened then there is only one short step to Y/N. He couldn’t risk it.

When he had no choice but to accept his Grace, Gabriel was sure he was ready. But the sight of his captor caused any false sense of bravado to crumble as he was carried away. Then, the full blown panic set in. He could not - will not - let this man take over his life again.

It all happened so fast, Gabriel could barely remember a thing. One second he was held down by two demons and the next, Crispy Fried Demon for everyone. When Sam and Cas asked, more like expected, him to join their team, he couldn’t. The urge to see you again was too great, plus there was Loki to deal with.

So, he bounced. What would you do? He had just gotten out of one hell and they wanted him to get into another without seeing you first? Hell no.

He just needed to get back, to be with you. Even just for a moment. Then, he can trackdown the Pagans and make them pay.

He flew to your state but he was still several suburbs from your house and, with his grace drained, he had to walk. So, when you opened up the door to see a sweaty, panting Gabriel, you were pale. You looked like you were nearly going to pass out from shock. Before Gabriel could even open his mouth to say anything, you pounced, jumping onto him with such force that the two of you go tumbling down as you hold onto him tight, tears welling in your eyes.

“Hey, sweets, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m alive.” He soothes as you try your best not to sob. “Let’s go inside, hey?”

It took a little coxing to get you to relax your death grip of him, scared that he’d fade away out of existence. The relief is almost too much, the sensation of being safe, of being loved, of being  _ home _ hitting him like a brick wall as the two of you cling together for dear life, as if you were both afraid that this was a dream. Finally, you took a step back, hitting him firmly on the chest.

“Why did it take you eight years to come back to me?” You demand, tears still streaming. Guilt floods his system, weighing down on him like the world resting on his shoulders.

He shoots you a humourless but charming grin. “ **Would you believe me if I said it was an accident?** ”

When he entered your home, it was like he never left. The house hadn’t changed at all, furniture hadn’t moved an inch, photos still hang on the wall, slightly crooked as you could never ever get them straight, kitchen spotless but dining room messy and disorganised, overflowing with paperwork you had yet tackled. No signs of moving on, but he knew life continued without him.

When he brought you up to date with what had been happening, he asked you the question he had been fearing the entire time he was gone. Where you seeing someone else?

You admitted that you had tried, had been on a few first days about three years after his disappearance but it felt wrong, so you hadn’t been on a date for over five years. Gabriel would be lying if he said he wasn't revealed. His biggest fear had always been that you had moved on from him.

When he told you of his plans for the Pagans that sold him out, you were on board immediately after spending nearly an hour trying to convince him not to do it. You weren’t going to kill, that wasn’t your style, but you wanted to tag in just to make sure he got through it okay.

Which is how you ended up packing up and travelling to wherever Loki was. Gabriel could tell you were hiding something, being sneaky with your phone, not letting him touch your bags, regular alarms throughout the day where you had to rush to the bathroom which, unless there was a new app to send you notifications when you needed to pee, he was sure you weren’t using for anything other than it had a door with a lock. Then there were times that you ran to the bathroom to hurl, always leaving insisting you were okay. The lack of appetite. The weight loss he had come to find out when you first changed in front of him. All these new things that weren’t there before that simply weren’t adding up in Gabriel’s mind. Whenever he brought it up, other things got in the way. Waitresses interrupting with your food, which you took as a distraction from the conversation at hand. Loki’s children trying to stab both you and Gabriel. The Winchesters. Phone ringing, housekeeping, alarms. It seemed like the universe was attempting to keep your secret from him.

Then he notices the medication.

You weren’t on anything prior to his disappearance, but it seemed since that time, you had become a pharmacy, taking drugs with names Gabriel couldn’t even pronounce let alone know what they were for. Being at the Bunker, it made it easier for you to hide away but harder to hide some of the smaller things. Like pharmacy wrappers and receipts. When he finally got a moment to ask why you were taking so many drugs, you barely had time to say that you had a new chronic illness that you were attempting to fix before Rowena announced it was time for the boys to jump across to the other world. It had been agreed (slash decided for you) that you would stay behind with Rowena to be safe.

Twenty-four hours had never seemed to be so long before.

But, finally, Gabriel was back and was safe. Sam and Dean had offered for you to stay at the Bunker with them, but you had insisted on returning home now everything was done and dusted. You had met Gabriel’s nephew, Jack, and exchanged numbers, telling him to text you if he ever needed anything, and left having made new friends, but you were exhausted. You just wanted to be home in your own bed.

Thankfully, by now, Gabriel could fly.

Which leads to now.

Gabriel could tell that something was wrong, hell. He had been able to tell for months now, but you refused to answer any questions. Secret doctors and specialist appointments with more medication being added to your list. Chronic pain that never seemed to go away. You had, somehow, managed to lose more weight. You lost your strength. But somehow, you managed to continue on, not letting Gabriel know.

It was driving him mad.

Finally, he got his answer.

You were still at work but Gabriel rocked up early so he could surprises you with dinner when he noticed the blinking red light on your message bank for your home phone. Curiosity overcame him as he goes to press play.

_ ‘Hi Y/N, its Brett Thomason here from the Oncology Ward from the hospital. We’ve just gotten your results in and you need to come in as soon as possible…..I’m not going to lie to you. It doesn’t look good.’ _

Gabriel felt his heart shatter into a million pieces when he hears the message.

Oncology.

Cancer.

Y/N has cancer.

In a frantic panic, he rushes to your medication drawer on the kitchen bench, now open and unashamed as Gabriel knew you needed frequent medication. Google, as he found out, was his new best friend as he looked up every single one of your meds.

Chemo, chemo, pain management, reflux, anti-nausea, chemo, chemo, pain management, pain, pain, the Pill.

He can feel the panic rising up in his body. Y/N had cancer, she didn’t tell him, and now something happened that was so bad that the Oncology nurse left a voicemail on her system, rather than wait for her next appointment which was taking place in two days.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't see the cancer, something he would have been able to do without any issue before his little vacation in Hell. Then he was so busy with his revenge plan and the boys, he didn't press hard enough when he saw something was wrong. 

Then it all clicked. When he first reappeared at your house, you didn't become pale, you  _ were  _ pale. Always wincing in pain, the new scars he had seen that you refused to tell him what they were from, vomiting with a few spots of blood from the side of your mouth that you blamed on a bitten cheek. The weakness. The dizziness. The inability to sleep a full night. It all pieced together. 

When you got home, he confronted you about it and the very little colour on your cheeks drained away in horror before you rushed for the phone, calling back the nurse and quickly going over the new prognosis. You hung up, Gabriel standing behind you as you both process the information. Then, you burst into tears. 

Blood cancer. 

The name was hard to form around your lips in your current emotional state so you blurted out your diagnosis. Then your prognosis. 

You were dying. And they couldn't give you a time frame, only that it'd be soon and you had to come in. 

When he asked why you didn't tell him; you told him that he was so intent on getting Loki that you didn't want to bother him. That you were going to get better or wait for him to be fully or mostly healed before you told him. But now, it was going to be too late.

He was losing you. That sense of home and belonging was slipping through his fingers as panic sets in.

He couldn't heal you but he'd be damned if he didn't find someone who could.

He heard of Sister Jo and began a desperate search for her, in between caring for his quickly deteriorating girlfriend. Whenever he was stressed or fearful of the future, you certainly didn't know.

Gabriel was anxious to get you better, resorting to praying to his Dad every waking and spare moment he had, becoming more and more frustrated that He would never respond. Even though every time was a blow to his gut, he'd pray again. And every time he was ignored. 

When you stopped eating all together, claiming it was too painful and not worth the effort, Gabriel ditched the idea of finding Sister Jo altogether. He was running out of ideas, fast, almost as fast as you were wasting away. Your skin was now brittle and you were exhausted simply by trying to move up the bed to read or watch TV. He was desperate, he could tell he didn't have too many options left.

He avoided asking his brother for help, the fear he held during the apocalypse still strong. But, he was out of options, and Lucy Lu had calmed tremendously since he and Jack had started to bond. It was the only shot left.

Lucifer, at first, mocked him openly. He should have known this was the outcome, humans live for a blink of an eye in comparison to them. They are weak, both in mind and body, and there was always going to be something that brought them down.

Then Gabriel reminded him that, without humans, he wouldn't have Jack. And as far as Gabriel was concerned, Lucifer owed him one from the whole “nearly stabbing your own brother but didn't because he knew from the beginning not to trust your judgemental ass”. It wasn't until Jack stepped in that Lucifer finally agreed.

Together, they rushed back to Y/N’s house and Gabriel bolted through the newly warded room where his stomach dropped.

There, next to the skeletal form that was the love of his life, was a Reaper.

Gabriel didn't even realise he was speaking until his brother’s hand rested against his shoulder. The shock setting in as he starts to slowly realise what has happened.

He's too late.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You can't- you can't  _ be _ here! She's meant to live, she's meant to live!” He babbles out, nearly screaming by the last two words.

“Gabe, babe, what do you mea-”

“There's a reaper. Right next to you.” Lucifer states bluntly as Gabriel continues to allow the panic to take over.

You smiled brightly over to him. “You must be Lucifer.” You can already tell you've offended the archangel. You open your arms out towards Gabriel as he dives towards you. “Gabe, its okay. It is, I'm just glad you got here before it was my time.”

“It  _ can’t _ be though. I'll get Rowena! She can-”

“ **Gabriel** .” You pull him back to look at him. “Gabriel, no. Don't….just don't change fate.”

“So you're not even going to fight it.” Your attention is drawn back to Lucifer as your boyfriend finally breaks down, crying into your shoulder as he straddles your lap, you rubbing his back as a form of comfort. “You are just going to roll over and die.” You snort.

“I've been fighting for twelve months. I'm tired. I just want to sleep. I can't eat, sleep. Even breathing hurts most days. I couldn't be healed before and, if the reaper’s here, then it's time. I accepted that long ago and, if I'm honest, I'm relieved.” You blink as silence seeps in. “I just want to sleep.”

Lucifer could feel his cold heart sympathise a little before looking at his distraught brother. He turns to the reaper, mind set. “Give them one more night.” The tall man looks at him, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. “C’mon, look at them! Clearly they haven't had the time to say goodbye and I'm guessing you have others to collect? What's the harm in letting her be the last one on your list?”

“Her time is now.” Gabriel whimpers at that careless sentence as Lucifer glares at the man, eyes glowing brightly red before the reaper stutters, backtracking quickly. “I'll talk to the boss.” The second he was gone, Lucifer turned back to you. 

“Thank you.” You can feel your eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets in shock. “For making him happy.” You nod, sharing a small smile with him before the reaper returns.

“Midnight. You have until midnight.” He states before disappearing again. 

Lucifer relays the message back to you, and you thank him quietly and then he was off. When Gabriel finally pulled back, all cried out, you told him you only had two hours left.

For a while, neither of you knew what to do. What do you do when you've been given an exact time you'll die? But, you finally broke the silence with the three words he needed to hear. I love you.

In response, he kissed you softly, deeply, trying to portray how he felt about this whole messed up situation with the intensity of how he moved and pressed his lips against yours.

You were the first to make a move, peeling his shirt from his body with a quiet reaffirmation of your love for him as he moves to pull back at the blankets you had wrapped around you. 

Your bodies moved fluidly together as one, softly swaying with each other in a slow, comfortable pace as the two of you reassured one another of your devotion to each other. You could feel your heart swell and stomach harden at all the contrasting emotions within you as you feel yourself slowly tire out, Gabriel’s eyes glazed with love and concern. The climax was a slow build, and when it came the two of you weren't ready for your final moments as one to be over. But, with a slight shudder from you and a tender kiss from Gabriel, it was over. The heaviness of the situation at hand became much denser as Gabriel pulls you close again. 

“I'm so sorry I wasn't fast enough. I love you so much.” He cries out to you and, for the first time since hearing your prognosis, you cried with him. 

“I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.” You croak out. “I love you, God I love you. Never forget that. And never, ever blame yourself.”

When the reaper returned, the sight to greet his eyes caused them to water. A man, clearly desperate to cling on, to make you live, was holding your sleeping frame as the final bits of get energy drains away, whispering everything he loved about you and would miss about you in your unhearing ear. Your laugh, your jokes, your ability to make him smile no matter the mood. Your smile. Your eyes. 

It broke his heart but he had a job to do. With some hesitation, he reaches down and brushes his fingers against your forehead. Your chest rises. And falls. Then stops. 

The archangel pulls your body close to him as he begs her to return as your ghost, now looking as you once did before the cancer even took hold, moved to stand beside your escort to the afterlife. “Will he be okay?”

The reaper really wishes his job wasn't this hard. “With time.” He lies as you nod. “Ready to go?” You move slowly, brushing your hands through unmoving hair before leaning down to kiss Gabriel’s temple lightly. 

You turn, ready for your next adventure. “Let's go.”

The reaper still feels guilt for lying to you that day. He knew Gabriel would never recover. Days after your funeral, Gabriel began to withdraw, the emptiness inside too much to handle.

No more pranking, no more jokes, no more anything. Just a slowly fading angel laying surrounded by his loved one's belongings as he mourned her death for decades. 

Sam died. Dean died. Somehow the Heaven situation fixed itself with the help of Jack who, also, died long ago. Gabriel didn't care. He had lost everything. He isn't living anymore, after all, there is no reason to. He's barely breathing, his one source of oxygen long gone. 

When his Dad finally showed up, being for him to return home, it was like putting salt and lemon on a gaping, bleeding wound. But when He referred to you as a simple obsession that he should be over by now,  Gabriel snapped.

Without warning or hesitation, Gabriel slammed Chuck up against the wall. “Bring. Her. Back.”

Chuck stutters before admitting that he can't. “Please son, come home with me. We can figure something out.”

Gabriel snorts humorlessly. “I can't ‘go home’. Home died a century ago, or are you  _ that _ far behind the times? I know you can bring her back, so bring her back to me.”

“Son, I  _ can't.” _

Gabriel took one step back before returning to his place on your old, dusty bed. “Then what's the point of you?”

Gabriel never did return to Heaven. He spent the rest of his life in that bed, mourning the death of the most important person in his existence. Now, he would have taken Hell back in a second in comparison to this pain. If someone said he had to return as Cornel Fuckwit’s Grace tap for the rest of eternity in exchange for your life, he'd take it in a second. With all the torture and pain involved. Anything, just to have you here and safe.

After all, nothing coulyd repair the hole in his heart, the ache, the pain. He could never go home. Afterall, home didn’t exist for him anymore.


End file.
